Kemah's Voice

kinda weird. definitely distinct.

Gone Girl

I’ve been M.I.I. this May. Missing, not “in action” but in inaction nurtured by fear.

Over a month ago my sense of financial security was shaken and basically eliminated. Society perpetuates the idea that our worth or competence in adulthood is directly tied to our financial state. I disagree with this, but money problems always awaken my number one stressor and depressor: the fear of failure. 

Fear that I’ll never gain control of my financial life. Fear that the decisions I’ve made up to this point have led me to a lack of success. This thinking leads to a lack of confidence in my decision-making abilities, disappointment that I haven’t made the best choices. Fear that I’ll never make the right choice. 

That was me during the month of May. Frozen in fear and indecision. Stuck. Suddenly choices I had emphatically said "YES" to had become wobbly maybe’s.

I questioned whether or not I should go to grad school, nearly scaring myself out of the most beautiful "yes" I’ve ever received. The opportunity to learn, live and perform in London for over a year. We are not ourselves when we are afraid.

Lack of faith and the need for control are the two sides of my ugly fear coin.

As fun loving as I am, I've got some loosening up to do. I’m not a control freak, but I do freak out when things are out of my control/understanding. I hate feeling powerless and I ultimately want to feel success.

Do I really know that I can be whatever I want to be?  Does it honor my greatness and Divinity to be so shaken and stirred? No, I’m not a martini.

The issues stem from the conflicting definitions I have of self, power, success, and true understanding. It’s important we alone define what matters to us. I’ll share my June 2016 definitions with you.

I define my self as a vessel for love, seeking to minimize ego and spread light. As long as I act with love, I am being my best self.

I define power as my ability to connect with people and foster empowerment. I am a powerful woman because my empathy and compassion run deep. 

I define success as following my passions to my purpose, whatever that may be. In working toward my goals, I am success in motion. 

And finally I must accept that my understanding is not definite, and I must be open/free/flexible to grow into greater understanding... even in how I define my goals.

These definitions actively serve my growth and enlightenment. Fear does nothing to serve us and worrying only worsens mistakes. So I am making the daily commitment grant myself mercy. We've got to practice less stressin, acknowledge mo blessin's, and recognize mo lessons. 

"The only limit to our realization of tomorrow will be our doubts of today. Let us move forward with strong and active faith." 

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